i lied today, baby, i
wore those shoes her dad gave me
they hurt and they're from italy
and black, so black and
they shine a little,
they shine a little less now
because i was walking, baby, i
was walking in the gutter and
people were looking at my collar
they saw my buttons and my belt
saw the briefcase i carried on the bus,
and people dropped their eyes right
into those shoes, and the shine,
it kicked them all right
right in their perceptions,
kicked them all into believing
i have more money than
the check for $72.69, in my pocket,
and it won't pay for rent, baby, no
he'll come, he'll come
knocking on my cardboard door, and
those shoes will be worthless, they'll
watch him ask for my soul
in rent; i pay in excuses, because
i'm so good at lying, baby, i'm so good.
everyone in the city, they were all
so proud of me: the young american, so
white and successful and male, or
they hated me: moneyed bureaucrat with
all the race, all the luck, all the
hope i never had, even though
i have italian shoes, you know,
from someone's dad, one size
too small for me, and i am one size
too small for their muttered novels
of me. but we liars, baby, we're
used to the feeling, it's part of me,
it's the lie i told today
before i crawled into a dirty bed
and shook with guilt and tragedy.
and i know, baby, i know how
i could change this death, i could
use my luck and race, the money
we all presume i have, i could
cash in, you know: get ahead in
life, as they say. but it's not for me,
because i'm carrying these sins, baby,
carrying the sins of the City on my breast.
we're all, you know, on business
and, you know, we're tired, those are
the reasons we don't, you know, smile
at beggars, you know, we don't spare the
dollar cuz he'd buy, you know, heroin with it,
baby, he'd buy another high with your smile,
so we're careful to grimace, but
that's the sin, don't you see,
those are the sins of
the City i carry in my heart,
refusing my race and money and luck
which doesn't come free, baby,
it costs exactly one failure
and so many lies in
italian shoes.
6/24/08 - i worked in the city for P today. i guess i don't know if i could actually get a job. i figure if i tried harder i probably could; that's what g says all the time and she has a job so she's probably right. something keeps me from trying harder, i can't explain it. this is as close as i've come.
