i tried to write a song tonight but the music didn't come, so all i'm left with now is this crummy effort at a poem.
it's not really a poem.
it's just a bunch of sentences.
but it expresses how i feel: not in one continuous strain, but in little efforts and bubbles.
there are a lot of feelings elbowing for room in me right now.
if emotions were colors i think the brilliant reds, greens, yellows, blues, and purples would all run together in a dirty shade of brown.
i'm okay with that.
girls tend to do that to my feelings--they mix them up; different girls inspire different emotions.
some girls are competetive, and that usually makes me frustrated, angry, or nervous, or all three.
some girls are attractive, but not interested in me, and that usually makes me thoughtful, sad, or desperate; usually not all three.
some girls are not attractive, but interested in me, and that usually makes me wary, sorry, or angry.
some relationships with girls have been better than they are, and that usually makes me depressed.
some girls move on from a relationship i only hoped to have, and that usually makes me sort of desperate.
some girls are just friends, but because of my reactions to all the other girls, things get sort of awkward.
i wish i didn't want to love someone.
if i were just content with where i'm at as romantic relationships go, and could simply rest confidently in some kind of relationship that i knew would always be good, then maybe i wouldn't always take things so hard.
but if i make myself content with having nothing, there's a good chance i'll never get anything.
and i really don't want that.
i don't know why i don't want it.
it's too bad i care at all; i think it must blur the rest of my vision.
if i could just live life without wanting to love someone, and then at some random point fall in love with someone who will love me back, that would be great.
but i can't deny that i do want to love someone.
and if it's a random point, then it may never come.
it is a strange thing that i must not think of it for it to appear.
Sep 2004
